The X-Factor: Week Four

Excitable Voiceover Man: Last weekend! On the X FACTUH! THE COMPETITION REACHED! NEW! HEIGHTS! New heights of boredom, perhaps. I was LITERALLY too bored for words by last week’s show. Which means there was no blog. Because I did not have the words. But tonight we had a horny Mary Byrne so obviously I’ve found my muse again. Notable events last week: Katie Waissel was good (but still annoying) and John Adeleye went home. No one cared. THIS WEEK! The theme is Halloween. As ever with the X-Factor, they’ve decided to take the theme about as seriously as they did when Matt Cardle decided that his musical hero was someone with one song, but I’ll do my best to explain how songs like Shakespeare’s Sister’s ballad Stay, and that Venus Song From the Gillette Ads For Ladies With Hairy Legs can possibly be considered Halloweeny. On with the show!

Judges! Simon Cowell is wearing fangs. All the better to feast on the profits from the show, then. First up is Mary Boorne, whose intro video drama is that thus far she has failed to be contemporary with any of her song selections. Her answer to this criticism is to perform Barry Manilow’s 1973 hit Could It Be Magic (Halloween Link: Barry Manilow is a Vampire; that unnaturally youthful visage isn’t from plastic surgery, it’s from drinking the bodily fluids of lithe young men). Excellent strategy there, Louis. In fairness, as Queen of the Boybands, Louis was probably thinking more of Take That’s version. Released in 1992. Eighteen years ago. So yeah, very contemporary. I can’t believe I’ve gone 94 words into this paragraph without mentioning the fact that Mary is wearing SPARKLY RED HORNS. It is easily the most amazing thing on television ever, watching her sashay around stage with glittery devil horns. The performance is what we’ve come to expect from Mary – confident and vocally assured. She’s like what Susan Boyle would’ve been if she hadn’t been dropped on her head as a child and got laid every now and then. Judges! Dannii is positive, Cheryl is apathetic and Simon loved it. He also calls Mary a Horny Little Devil, at which point the imaginations of several million viewers inadvertently go somewhere they never thought it would and they suffer a complete mental shutdown. And their ears start bleeding. With little pieces of brain in the blood. Luckily, those pieces of brain contain the memories of what Simon said, so society is able to continue functioning.

Next up! Aiden Grimshaw and His Incredibly Broad Shoulders. And Serial Killer faces, but that goes without saying. He’s performing Michael Jackson’s Thriller, so points for being one of the few songs genuinely on-theme tonight. But I hope you weren’t expecting Aiden to come out and surprise us with an upbeat performance, because he has decided to reinterpret Thriller as a slow, piano-driven number with the usual constipated-looking facial tics, taking all the life out of the song. Which is actually a genius move considering this is a song famed for its video featuring THE UNDEAD. My god, Aiden and Dannii are musical geniuses. It’s kinda weird, but not very good and as we go on in this competition I really think the only future for Aiden is as my personal sex slave. It should also be noted that Aiden and Dannii have the same hairstyle tonight. Judges! Louis liked it, probably because he wants to be fucked by Aiden. Cheryl advises Aiden to smile for a change, which he does, badly. Oh Aiden, I could find ways to make you smile. Cowell calls it bizarre and indulgent and Aiden shuffles off-stage after some awkward non-conversation with Dermot.

Oh good, it’s Belle Amie. I can’t help but notice that their intro video has lots of shots of them being touchy-feely and demonstrating close body contact and smiling and high-fiving and it is about as convincing as when they do the same thing for One Direction. It’s a rather deliberate attempt to persuade the audience that Belle Amie don’t all hate one another, which seems rather stupid. Oh producers, don’t you realise that we might begin to be interested in these girls if you just played up the fact that they hate one another and put razor blades in each other’s tampons? Such is the collective lack of interest in Belle Amie that even Excitable Voiceover Man forgets to cry out their name at the end of the intro video. What IS interesting though, is the Hotness (official group term) of topless guys on stage for this performance, which is just about enough to make it bearable. The girls are singing the Bananarama version of Venus, which I guess is Halloweeny because it is frequently used in ads for women’s shaving products, and hairy women are scary? Jesus, this performance is rather tuneless indeed. They’re not even trying to sing in harmony any more. This is just going to make their flawless autotuned harmony in the results show group song all the more hilarious looking. Judges! Louis wasn’t paying attention because he was distracted by the underwear-clad dancers. Dannii rightly criticises the vocals. Cheryl avoids commenting on the vocals. Simon lies through his teeth to try and make Belle Amie seem like the second most interesting thing to ever to happen to music, after One Direction.

Rebecca Ferguson! Who is wearing a witch’s hat during her conversation with the camera in the intro vid, which I kinda love her for. “When it comes from the judges” she says of last week’s praise for the Jessica Rabbit song, “you have to believe it”. Oh Rebecca, so naive. I wouldn’t trust Simon Cowell to tell me the truth if I was asking him right from left. Rebecca is doing Wicked Game, which fits the theme because the word Wicked is in the title and Wicked is also a musical featuring Witches, which are Halloweeny. See, figuring out the logic of X-Factor song selections in theme weeks is just a matter of word association! It is rather good and she doesn’t seem as awkward as usual. Cowell goes on to contradict me by saying she seemed nervous, but it is really just a cunning ploy for him to point out what a travesty it was that his girlfriend Treyc Arse was in the bottom two last week. But he is so impressed by Rebecca anyway that he invokes the hallowed name of Leona, the patron saint of reality TV talent, blessings be upon her.

Trey Cohen! She speculates in her drama video that the reason for being in the bottom two was because Whole Lotta Love was “a bit too old for the younger generation”. Anyone who uses the phrase “the younger generation” is instantly out of touch with said generation anyway, so Treyc is doomed. She lives in a house with Belle Amie and Bieber Squad, why doesn’t she just do a poll of them on what their favourite songs are and perform accordingly? Granted, she might have to sing the theme tune to Ben 10 as a result, but I’m sure we could work that into the Halloween theme as subtly as all these other non-Halloweeny songs. But I digress. Treyc and her Massive Arse will be performing Relight My Fire, because Take That did a cover of this song in the 90s, and Take That released tickets for their tour on Friday, and lots of websites buckled under the strain of the demand, and that upset some people, and dogs and cats can get upset by bangers and fireworks at Halloween, which is Halloweeny. Treyc starts the song lying “seductively” on a chaise-longue , and for a brief moment I imagine her ending the performance by lifting her legs into the air, holding a match between her booyliciousness and farting her way into a fiery finale, but alas while there are gouts of flame in the performance, none of them come from Treyc’s posterior. I’m going to email Brian Friedman this idea, however, as I think it could make for spectacular television, plus Treyc’s massive arse is the most interesting thing about her. Judges! Danni admires Treyc’s bravery but criticises her lack of a signature style, or something. Cowell says she has no connection with Cheryl, which makes Cheryl pissy. Treyc decides to respond to Dannii and says being able to do various styles makes her versatile. It is officially the bitchiest 4 minutes of the show this week.

We return with Matt Cardle. And his designer stubble. And... oh no... he’s taking on Bleeding Love. Simon will not like this. Nobody does Leona songs but St. Leona, dammit, because all Leona songs are bespoke compositions crafted for the angelic voice of Leona only, and no other performer can follow the ebb and flow of her hundred-times sanctified vocal acrobatics. Also, they will eventually let Matt sing a man’s song, yeah? Bleeding Love fits the theme because the song is about an emotional serial killer who inflicts metaphorical cuts, wounds and scarring to the sanguine heroine of the tale. Like a Mike Myers of the heart. Judges! Louis wasn’t crazy about it which ruins the chances of getting a blowie from Matt but he has to be honest, because truthfulness is what we watch this show for. Cheryl meanders about the point but ultimately decides Matt was having an off-week and Simon thinks nerves got the better of Matt but appreciates that he tried to do something different with the song. Somewhere, in a palace of pure crystal, Leona Lewis smirks to herself as she bathes in the blood of children who could have grown up to compete with her vocally.

WAGNER! WAGNER! WAAAAAAAAAAGNER! Louis informs us in the intro video that Wagner will be performing something that shows off his proper operatic voice. Which means Wagner, dressed as the love child of Freddie Mercury and the Phantom of the Opera, opening his medley with Oh Fortuna, which all reality TV show viewers will know as the piece used whenever producers want to add a bit of high-drama to proceedings, before segueing into Bat out of Hell. Let’s just say Meatloaf has nothing to fear just yet. There’s an amazing bit where the camera focuses on a genuinely astounded Simon Cowell. No one can resist the allure of Wagner, not even the embodiment of cynicism. I believe, with this performance, Wagner has actually redefined music as we know it. Nothing will ever be the same again. Judges! Loved it, with Dannii and Cheryl fighting over which one gets to fellate Wagner first, while Cowell just malfunctions and doesn’t know what to say at all. Louis encourages us to vote for Wagner because he just sang in two languages. I love Louis logic. Maybe that means Mary should do Amhrann na bhFiann next week.

Big Gay Paige is next. Singing Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black. The Halloweeniness of this is obvious – in 100 years the default appearance for most depictions of witches will probably be based on either Amy Winehouse or Katie Waissel. This week, Paije does not look like the 80s have vomited on him, and is thus 80% less interesting. The 20% interesting comes from the fact that he has again decided to lie to his mother and change the lyrics of his song to refer to the opposite gender. Needless to say this necessitates a change to the “kept his dick wet” line to “She kept her head”. Oh Paije, your momma loves you for being you, and that won’t change when she learns you’re on the down low, dawg. Except... he doesn’t change the line saying “you go back to her” which means that he has now changed the song so he is singing to a lesbian he was having an affair with? Oh Paije, see what a tangled web you weave with your lyrical changes? Judges! None of them call him out on his LIES. They liked it. Despite the LIES.

Katie Waissel! The Empress of Evil was actually quite good last week, which is unsurprising given she was doing a number that was all about performance and jovial facade and if there is anyone on this show who can pretend to be something she isn’t it’s Our Katie. Katie is going to perform the Bewitched theme tune, which it turns out had lyrics. Who knew? The performance is quite like last week – a bit of a show and a not-terribly-demanding vocal. It is perfectly adequate but I’d be expecting more from Katie at this point given all the virgins she has sacrificed to the God of Fame Whores. Judges! Blah de blah de blah love blah.

Fuck it, it’s Bieber Squad. They actually sicken me, and it pains me to hear they’re alternately the favourites and second-favourites to win. The intro video is bizarre in that there’s no attempt to create drama nor is there any rabitting on about difficulties they’ve been having this week... it’s just Dannii and Simon talking about how great One Direction are while Inferior Bieber Clone talks about how much hard work they put in every week. The little bastards are singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Is nothing sacred? If Bonnie Tyler was dead, she’d be turning in her grave. As it is, she probably just got an irritating itch somewhere awkward she couldn’t reach. Total Eclipse of the Heart suits the theme because... well, it doesn’t, but One Direction suit the theme because four of them are Bieber clones and one is a Muslim so obviously they have no souls. They’re all remarkably over-styled. It’s like the stylists even decide which side of their t-shirts will be tucked in to their belts and which bit will hang stylishly limp. I didn’t think it was possible, but I think this is an act that may even surpass Herr Waissell in terms of fakeness. Judges! Louis proves he’s still with it by mentioning Twilight. I bet he’s Team Jacob. He also says how everywhere he goes girls ask him to tell One Direction they love them. Which begs the question why is Louis Walsh hanging around with 14 year old girls? The judges are effusive in their praise, probably because Cowell has warned them that if One Direction don’t win he’ll kill them all. If, as seems likely, these fuckers make it all the way to the final, I think I’m going to gouge my eyes out and stick them in my ears.

Coveted Last Performance™ and a guaranteed place in next week’s show, because they only ever give the finale performance to someone who has been damn good in rehearsals, is Mini-Cheryl. She always seems like she’s on sedatives in her videos and this one is no different, as a Cher on relaxers promises us that she’s going to show us she can really sing. Which can mean only one thing: yep, the producer’s have allowed a contestant to step out of the niche they have imposed on them, and Cher is going to sing tonight rather than “rap”. They’ve reused the Throne of Winter from Aiden’s Mad World performance, and stuck a few twigs on it to turn it into the Throne of Autumn. Cher’s voice is very fragile/reed thin, so she’s not going to be troubling Goddess Leona any time soon, but it is still rather good, emotionally genuine and easily her best performance thus far. And the poor thing is in bits by the end. Quick! More sedatives! Presumably it is while Cher is under the influence of the cocktail of anti-depressants that Cheryl will sneak into her room and place her further in her thrall. The Judges loved it, and Cher bawls her way off-stage. I think I like her again, but if the producers think Cher is mentally up to the challenge of this show then I dread to think what Shirleena’s psychological evaluation was like to get her kicked off.

Results Show!

It’s a rather over-stuffed Results Show tonight, as we have Bon Jovi and his melted face, Jamiroquai and his futile attempt to be musically relevant, Princess Rhi-Rhi, and most terrifyingly of all, the group song. Actually. it seems that the group song and Bon Jovi’s performance have been smashed together to form some sort of horrifying guest act group song. Does that mean Bon Jovi isn’t singing live? Does it mean Bon Jovi is singing live but the contestants will do their usual autotuned miming? So many questions! Which are answered at the end of the performance when Dermot asks Wagner a question and it turns out his microphone isn’t even on. Although maybe that was just Wagner’s....

Jamiroquai! Is a prat and I’m not writing more than once sentence about him! I can however write about the song. Which is shit. Just like all his other songs. Which it also sounds like. And he also doesn’t want to shut up after the song ends and makes some noises about having had reservations about appearing. Probably considered himself too credible to appear, but in the end those 13 million people to promote your new single to just about outweighed your artistic integrity, didn’t they Jammy boy?

Next up, it’s everyone’s favourite victim of domestic violence, Rhianna. 25! MILLION! ALBUM! SALES! but all anyone will ever associate her with is a black eye and an umbrella. Rhi-Rhi sings live, which is nice of her, and a good tutorial for Cheryl Cole. Her backing dancers also DESTROY the place because their performance involves a food fight, and I do not envy the people who have the 3 minute ad-break to clear the stage. Then again they could always let Paige loose on it and I’m sure he’d have it all gobbled up in 90 seconds.

Bottom two are... Katie and Belle Amie! I wonder will Katie abandon the dark elder god Famewhoria and embrace Satanism instead, now that it is clear her tactics aren’t working. Belle Amie perform Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway. Which, like all other Belle Amie performances, is both mediocre and completely out of tune. Katie performs an Etta James song, which she is only okay at, and then collapses into a sobbing mess at the end. The sort of sobbing where you pull faces but don’t make actual tears, mind, and then proceed to wipe your eyes despite the lack of tears. Judges! Simon and Cheryl save their own acts, obviously. Danni decides to send Belle Amie home, and they look resigned to it, but then Louis the big drama queen decides to send Katie home, bringing us to the first DEADLOCK of the season. Dun dun dunnnnn. If Katie goes then there will be a bloodbath. She will literally tear through Britain in a frenzy of knives and blood-letting. To think, she gave up an actual record deal in order to appear on the X-Factor... The act with the lowest overall vote is... Belle Amie.